Dear Sally
by crysbit
Summary: Felicity often sent tapes to her friend Sally, and got back amazingly insightful responses. What if Felicity took the time to write a good old fashioned letter and offer some of that insight herself? No real timeline here, although obviously it occurs sometime after she and Ben got together. What does Felicity think of the Ben vs Noel dilemma?


_A/N: Felicity often sent tapes to her friend Sally, and got back amazingly insightful responses. What if Felicity took the time to write a good old fashioned letter and offer some of that insight herself? No real timeline here, although obviously it occurs sometime after she and Ben got together._

_Disclaimer: I don't own the show, the characters, etc. I'm simply a fan of the show, writing a non-profit fic to satisfy some curiosity._

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Dear Sally,

I know I usually send tapes, but I thought this was best done without my usual rambling. You know, I'm still on the first paragraph and I've already restarted this about a dozen times. We could be here awhile. Might be easy for you to read, but trust me, Sally. I'm struggling here!

How do you decide who to love? Do you even get to decide that? It's not like I gave my heart permission to run around handing out keys and inviting everyone in. But here we are, overcrowded and confused.

I love Noel. I love Ben. And it's not even as simple as blocking them into friendly love versus burning, passionate, have-to-have-you-now love, because I've felt it with both of them.

I've followed my heart, but maybe it's time to add a healthy dose of common-sense and logic to the mix. I think this part would have been easier on tape. You can thank Meghan for this idea. I'm just going to ramble along, no editing allowed. It's probably the best way to get the most honest answer...

Noel.

Noel is perfect. Really, really perfect. Fun, playful, easy to be with. Gentle and caring, and always so understanding, even when he has every right to be angry. Why would anyone ever leave him? He makes me happy. Sometimes when he looks at me, I feel like he can really see me. All of me, the shy girl I was, the insecurities, the woman I want to be. And I want that, I want to be that person for him. I want to be who he deserves. I love him. Even now I can feel his arms around me. Just lying together on the couch, laughing about our day or some stupid thing Richard said or did, or Sean's latest crazy idea. I feel like we didn't have enough time, like something was always in the way. Being in his arms was amazing. Noel makes me feel safe, warm, protected. It's so easy being with him, laughing with him. I can see a happy future with him. Careers, kids, PTA meetings and family picnics, white picket fence, maybe a dog named Sparky. I could go on about him all day, but I guess I need to cut this off somewhere or I'll ramble all day.

Ben.

I don't know where to start. I loved Ben for years. Not Ben, so much as the idea of Ben. Distant, stand-offish, unattainable Ben. Then the world shifted on its axis and he saw me. Me! That quirky hint of a grin that makes my heart try to pound out of my chest, those sinful lips, that tiny spot behind his ear, and the little noises he makes. Okay, getting sidetracked. Ben. Happy. Frustrated. Excited. Sexy. Wild? Uncontrolled and reckless maybe. I never know where we're going. Life goes by so fast, yet at the same time it seems like we're just wandering aimlessly, no direction. And he's content! Always so content to just amble along, and I have to make plans, choose the destination, steer. It seems so much like work sometimes. But then he looks at me and that quirky grin is back, and I melt. Relaxed. He makes me slow down and feel like everything really is okay. And just when I'm content, he rocks my world with some stupid thing. Another girl. A failed test. Another "you're too sensitive and judgmental, I need space" speech. Okay, I'm paraphrasing, but you know the routine. And then I wait until he pops back into my life with a heartfelt speech about how he loves and needs me. Okay, I'm stopping here because I'm going off on another tangent again.

I just read Noel's paragraph and…Wow. I didn't even realize that I felt all of that. I guess I just think of him as "there". Do I take him for granted? I say he sees me, but do I see him? It seems like I have him on this pedestal. Like he's "Perfect Noel". Is that even fair? He's safety and security. Comfort and family. The logical choice. But then there's….

Ben's paragraph. What an emotional rollercoaster. Just reading it makes my heart pound. I feel so much, everything. Good and bad, but what I see is us working together and working it out. Or maybe that's what I want to see. Maybe what I need to see is that same thing happening over and over again. I don't want to always feel like the little kid playing grown-up, or the back-and-forth "getting even" games.

You know what I really see? I see me, spending the last two hours sitting here writing a letter, pining over two men. What are they doing? I don't know, but I'll bet it's not sitting around thinking about me.

I'm going to try something new. I think… I think I'm going to just be me. I'm going to be the person that I want to be. Not who I think everyone else wants me to be. Not make the decisions everyone else wants me to make. I have direction. I have a future. But the world won't end if it's just Felicity for awhile.

I choose me. At least for now. One thing I know after reading that is a cliché: The heart wants what it wants. I'm going to give logic a chance to sink in before I jump into any major decisions. Who knows what will happen next. I'm just going to enjoy the ride and do some daydreaming.

Felicity


End file.
